Two Lives

I now live two lives. The so-called “real” life day to day minute to minute that feels so utterly fake because what kind of life exists without you in it? This life feels like I’m riding the Texas Giant at Six Flags, violently tousled from one moment to the next not entirely sure how I got to that next moment. Not that I am losing time or have blank spots in my memory, but that time moves so differently so wrong no longer linear as it once was. It’s as if there is a haze over every moment, like I exist just outside of reality, one step behind it as the world careens forward without mercy. Then there is the other life, the one I am living right along side the first one, the one that feels so much more real and tangible than the other. The one where I see where you should be, what you would be doing now. June bug season is in full swing and although it’s already way too hot, you’d be gorging yourself on the June bug buffet absolutely loving life like you always do. I see you in your spots, hear your soft eerrrrs to get my attention, your paw scraping down the side of the trashcan, another way to get my attention. I can see how our lives should be happening right now in real time and that’s the only life I’m actually interested in living. The one with you, so alive, so full of energy and vibrance, no matter what. That is how it still should be and there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for it not to be that way now.