My Fierce Storm Chaser

My beautiful boy, mommy misses you more than words can convey. There was a very loud thunderstorm last night. You should have been here to wake me up telling me all about how you needed to charge out into that storm and vanquish the storm demon. You are the most fierce brave boy ever, my storm chaser. You hated the storms, but not in the way most dogs do. You never coward, never shook with fear, never hid. You wanted out to find the chaos demon causing the raucous. If I let you, you would have hunted and hunted for that the demon until you found and silenced it.

Last night was so hard without you. I am mad at the storms for existing without you here to keep them in line, mad at the world for continuing on at all without you. This world is foreign and wrong. The world is gray and dull. I don’t know if it has been five minutes or five hours. Time doesn’t make sense. You being gone makes no sense at all. I keep going through everything and it just doesn’t make any sense why you are gone, taken away from your mommy like that. How dare the world steal you away from me so cruelly, so suddenly. We fought so hard baby. You, as always, were so perfect and brave. You fought so valiantly. Mommy is so proud of you, of all you did and are. The best boy, my perfect sunshine.

98 days of this existence without you. It still feels like yesterday. That week is so vivid, but everything before is gray and hard to access. I know they still exist somewhere buried in my mind, in my photo album. But they are inaccessible to me. I died that day too. Who I was, who I wanted to be. I knew what I had, the most beautiful perfect baby boy, and you were all I wanted. Life is cruel.